I've taken a short break from blogging this past week... mostly because my perspective was so fucking inconsistent that if I were to attempt to write about about any topic, I would have changed my opinion on the matter before I could finish a sentence...
You would swear that I was Robin Williams I changed character so often... Doing serial impersonations of wildly varying personalities with no discernible attachment to any of them... I think my head has finally cooled to a simmer, giving me a chance to plot my next move...
Which is oddly enough going to be to stop dead in my tracks...
I cancelled therapy for the 3rd week in a row, hid from the world and all of its ugly judgements and obligations, relaxed, slept late, read, sang in my car, schemed, had a couple of orgasms, played xbox, blew some shit up, even did my taxes... The mundaneness of my week was so comfortable I had absolutely no desire to do anything productive OR destructive... Which has caused me to emerge from my cocoon surprisingly pleased with the consequences of doing nothing... there were none...
Now were this to become the norm, I could see it becoming problematic... but my external inaction was the only way I could handle a surplus of internal activity... my thoughts were racing and my emotions were all over the place... so I stopped and waited for the shit-storm to pass...
The thing that wavered the most this week was my confidence that I would ever be recovered, or happy, or anything at all... I was beginning to get extremely tired of running in place on this hamster wheel that never goes anywhere... trying so hard to not purge and not restrict and not be a pussy...
Got me really fucking confused about what to actually DO...
It would be incredibly exciting if I could say I had deduced from my countless failures the precise course of action required to recover from an eating disorder... come to think of it, I guess repeated failure is the burden and source of all expertise...
But the trick to failing successfully is to learn from your unsuccessful attempts... This week, when my motivation was sapped and recovery seemed hopeless and the familiar sense of impending doom descended upon me... I kind of shrugged and said, "Bring it!" And I cannot help but feel that this attitude towards fuckups is going to be a key element in getting out of my 18 year rut... Lacking the ability to commit to anything else, I can always commit to milking my failures for every bit of insight they have to offer... Its not exactly a box of kittens, but it keeps me here...
Until next time...
Love and Neurosis,
Little One
Thursday, March 28, 2013
Commitment to Failure
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It is so hard....... "Recovery", I think, is the best we can hope for. I really believe that ED cannot be 'cured' - I think it's always going to be in us. But "RECOVERY" is a long, long, process, and it's about recovering the person we were before our ED became who we were, and using every little ounce of strength, and blood, sweat and tears, to keep the ED behaviours away from our recovering selves, and allow ourselves to become a person that may struggle with ED behaviours, but the person that can stop those behaviours undermining our real, non-ED selves. The pain is real, the struggle is constant at first.... but the want, the need, and the habit of our ED behaviours become less attractive, they stop being an old friend, and you begin to look at them as something you CAN choose to follow. Or not. You are so strong, and you are looking so healthy, so fantastic right now, that the non-ED Little One is becoming the person that will eventually kick Ana/Mia firmly in the cunty. xxxx
ReplyDeleteI fucking love you Caz... thank you, as always for your words of wisdom and support... and thank you for reminding me about the choice I have to change and correct my actions/behaviour... I think that was missing when I trailed off in this post... i was content to just acknowledge and learn from mistakes and not quite making that leap to resolve to act differently... that's the big fucking elephant in the room that keeps me stagnant... confusing proactive ideas/insights with proactive behaviour... definitely needed that reality check...
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