It's strange how malleable "truth" becomes in the hands of an addict... It is not only incredibly easy to manipulate facts to fit your schema, but eventually, the lies surrounding the topic of your destructive behavior become so natural and effortless, that you even begin to believe them...
This is where things get convoluted and messy...
I recall an exchange from earlier this month in which I was confronted by my boyfriend immediately after a meal as we smoked a cigarette outside. Anyone who has ever treated me or been in an inpatient setting with me would probably tell you that this is a time when I am fundamentally incapable of telling the truth or being out of anyone's direct Line-of-Sight safely...
Him: "Did you throw up?" Yes.
Me: "No." Direct eye contact. Instant resolve...
Him: "Are you sure?" Nope...
Me: (Indignant, even!) "I should think I would know!"
He had taken a minute, on our way outside, to use the restroom. When we began our endeavor to avoid hospitalization (again), several months ago, I gave him a detailed list of "tricks" I had used in the past and signs that I was "using"... He seemed to be mentally rummaging through this list in his head. He did not believe me...
Him: "So...You went outside before me just now... If you were to purge out here, where would you do it?"
Excited that I didn't have to lie, per se, about this, I quickly enumerated 6 or 7 locations/methods I would avail myself of if I were to purge outside... Looking back on it, it seems like I was almost proud. Very impressed with my own bullshit...
Him: "And you didn't do any of those things just now?"
Me: "Nope. You can even check those places."
Truth: I had covertly purged 3 times before we even left the kitchen... WAY OFF... Semantics save so much guilt... until you inevitably realize that careful word selection and deliberate sentence construction change only what you mean and not what you did...
The hardest part of "recovery" for me, thus far, has been remaining actively engaged in it, and being honest with myself about where I stand... Addiction literature often refers to "The Stages of Change" model, which lists five (sometimes six if you include relapse) degrees of varying insight into one's behavior, and how that insight eventually combines with and translates into actively pursuing change. One treatment program I participated in even had weekly group devoted to the subject.
The stages of change are:
- 1) Precontemplation (Not yet acknowledging that there is a problem behavior that needs to be changed)
- 2) Contemplation (Acknowledging that there is a problem but not yet ready or sure of wanting to make a change)
- 3) Preparation/Determination (Getting ready to change)
- 4) Action/Willpower (Changing behavior)
- 5) Maintenance (Maintaining the behavior change) and
- 6) Relapse (Returning to older behaviors and abandoning the new changes)
- http://www.addictioninfo.org/articles/11/1/Stages-of-Change-Model/Page1.html
- No matter how many times I am presented with the model, no matter how simple it makes changing appear, my fundamental error seems to lie in skipping crucial steps. This is how I "change": Pre-contemplation, Contemplation, Preparation, Relapse...
- The art of conveniently avoiding Action or Maintenance, is a simple matter of prolonging the "Preparation" and making all the planning to "do" look like actual "doing"... So convincingly so, that I myself become adamant that "I'm TRYING!" when, in fact, I'm simply exaggerating the preliminary gestures one makes when poising herself to "try."
- In the brief moments of clarity I do get, I shock even myself with the truth. A truly terrifying state of things. I see that I have not changed at all. I look back, and further back, and further back still, and cannot recall a day in which I did not restrict or purge. And yet my external facade and superficial state of mind still boasts, "RECOVERY!" or "Go, me!", or "Look at me, rockin' my new weight gain!" Let's be real: "bigger" does not necessarily equal "better"... In fact, at this point, it only means "not about to die of malnutrition..." It does not mean "comfortable", it does not mean "wiser"... Fuck, it doesn't even mean "working on it." It simply means that the extent of the disorder is now concealed from view... And it's easy to confuse "invisible" with "gone."
- It's as if I spent months fashioning these impressive, beautiful, and elaborate wings. Then ran around town telling everyone how marvelous they were, showing them off, and inviting everyone to come watch the miracle of flight! And after a while, when finally poised atop a tall building with a veritable sea of spectators below me, I crouch, prepare to leap, and suddenly the design flaw that will cause me to break my neck becomes apparent, and I back away from the edge... "Sorry, not today..."
- So, to embark on this business of getting better, where do I begin? Goals, action steps, to-do lists, race through my mind... More confounding than clarifying, more question than answer... My most burning desires to act are subverted by the question mark I seem to inevitably place behind every "decision" that I make. Write? Medicate? Don't purge? Read? Create? Disclose? Ask for help? Tell the truth? Grow a pair? Tomorrow... Next time... Later... Soon...
- It's all so very polite... Nauseatingly so... Like I'm just SUGGESTING that something should be done...
- I think forget sometimes what I'm dealing with... My eating disorder knows NO boundaries, has no shame, no respect, no sense of etiquette... This is not something I should be treating with such propriety and caution, it is an immanent danger, a threat that should be eradicated.... It is a tyrant that I allow to dictate my mood, my behavior, my thoughts...
- As with most revolutions, I'm beginning to think that success here, is a formula... Something like Extent of Injustice, times the Strength of the Principle one believes they are Fighting For...
- More on what EI x SPFF =?, actually means, soon...
- Love and Neurosis,
- Little One
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