Back With A Vengeance...

After a long hiatus... and a TED talk AND a whiny last note indicating I may disappear, I've been freelancing so much that I'm quite exhausted of writing articles for other people. This is not to say that my e-book on anxiety won't be awesome... once I get past my own anxiety about telling others how to tame the beast without Valium...which I both take and desperately need to leave the house...

Ok, time to calm down and finish my fucking yogurt...

 I've been on a bit of a ride the past several months... Unfortunately I think I might have had life's proverbial car in reverse... On the bright side, I began receiving Medicare benefits in December, so hooray for being insured after two years of hell and seizures and poverty, I'm proud to say I jazzed it up with an Advantage Plan HMO and have reassembled a FULL eating disorder/medical/psychiatric/neurological team, all of whom I'm sure find me quite disappointing at the moment... and in this moment, as this half eaten light yogurt in front of me indicates... would be any rational human being's opinion of my life...

Where to begin... I was bad, sick, and probably about to die, in February 2013, some discount clinic counselor changed my fucking meds (2 of which have the magical property to hurdle someone into 30 to 50 lbs of weight gain in a big hurry) and shat on my very real anxiety disorder by labeling it PTSD, trying to drag some early childhood sexual trauma out of me that just didn't exist... if you exclude my mother and her various boyfriend's behavior at the time and the people I slept with in out of pity in high school that I despised... I, perhaps, was the victim of many traumas, and other kinds of abuse and neglect, sure... But exactly what exactly did that constant love (and staunch Catholicism) I experienced from my father, grandparents, and aunt not do to offer relief from my other home? There are damages, yes, but I was not generating false memories for some hack who thinks all ED's arise from sex...Wanker... I was older and my ED is younger than my sex life... I refused all the meds and dropped him within a month... (Patient Assistance Programs can stop sending me free Remeron and Zyprexa now, I'm on shit that actually works without driving me insane)

Stop looking at me yogurt...
You expired last week (but are still unfortunately edible) so there...

Whoa the rambling is bad... I've been out of Valium for a while... forgive my anxious overstimulated brain as we move forward...
So since December, when my husband, A TALENTED PILOT demoted to cooking at the Waffle House over reckless driving charges, unnecessarily by someone scared he would take their job, lost his... forcing us to live on my measly disability check (intended for 1 person)... In all of this we lost my car a week ago to repossession, we've had almost no food in the house that I don't save for him, and our power will be shut off in 3 days if I cannot force myself to write a graduate paper for a well paying student... What do the kids say to not offend people (here I don't care)? FML...

So with a VERY good healthcare plan designed for the nation's elderly, I tried to imagine a future for myself, despite recent setbacks, and made a team, like I always had to do when I discharged from treatment...
It quickly became VERY apparent that I had NOT just been discharged from treatment and had gone off the rails like a mad woman to lose all the medication weight and then some... and kept began desperately trying in the past several weeks, at my new dietitian's behest, began attempting to stop purging, not usually a road to my best side... But even my ED said, "Yes. It's time to stop doing this shit..." Unfortunately the ED knows why I always leap into tackling this behavior...
This is usually the path to my dark side, or, as I prefer, a nosedive into the Hellmouth...
Not purging, for me, causes me to experience withdrawal symptoms very similar to those who discontinue opiates, like painkillers, etc. Both the stomach and stimulation of some opiate receptors in the brain release a high amount of endorphin, as experienced by "runner's high", sex, chocolate, and similar activities. The stimulation of purging (and, of course, eating, for most people) causes the stomach to release a large amount of endorphin (which spell-check won't pluralize for me... interesting). I've been doing it nearly every day outside of treatment and sometimes in treatment for nearly 18 years. Longest I've gone without it outside is about 2 weeks...without restricting or lying through my destroyed teeth... when I stop, I get depressed, lethargic, (more) anxious, ravenous (because of my ridiculous combo of ED's, I perceive everything to be a "binge"... except alcohol, which I will not waste but can't afford in over a month) Fun Fact: Alcohol has, at times sustained me at higher weights for months at a time, carbs, sugar, calories, lowered inhibitions... It has no nutritional value I've had nutritionists in IOP tell me repeatedly that a margarita or beer is not a night snack...
Sooo... not purging either means not eating or restricting and then giving up on very dumb foods I give a shot, to purge... Maybe because I've deluded myself for so long that I "have to"... I don't know... For a, by all accounts, "highly intelligent" person, I am still a silly, chubby, desperate, 10 year old... Almost 30, it feels so immature and stupid... but its stuck in there and the mirror is a brutal liar...
 2 weeks of trying not to do this and I really suck... I feel like I can't function, can't sleep, want to sleep through all the hunger til the next appointment so I don't purge...
 The new dietitian looks at it as a "baby step", it feels like a crawl where I keep trying to stand up and fall on my ass...
I'm so back and forth right now, I want to be comatose until it ends... They induce comas for people who have stopped functioning on their own physiologically... Let's try that... Someone watch Netflix with my husband, write all my bullshit other people pay me for, and pay my bills, until I wake up from this nightmare...